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The Man of the HouseThe husband had just finished reading a new book entitled: "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly: "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"   His wife replied, "The %*!@#&% funeral director would be my guess."  A true lawyer story only in AmericaThis is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA!!! What is it?脚跨黄河天堑， 手握中央文件， 前边机枪扫射， 后边飞机扔炸弹。 。。。。 惊起。。。一片。 电话江姐来电话问： 国民党推翻了吗？答：被阿扁推翻了，国共成了好朋友！ 董存瑞来电话问：劳动人民还当牛做马吗？答：都下岗了，不劳动了！ 刘胡兰来电话问：姐妹们地位都提高了吧？答：提高了，都当小姐了。 杨子荣来电话问：土匪都剿灭了吧？答：都当警察了！ 雷锋来电问话： 地主都打倒了吗？答：都入党了。 马克思来电话问：资本家都消灭了吗？答：都进党中央了！ 城里人和乡下人说是一个乡下土佬牵头驴进城,遇见一位骄傲的城里人. 城里人问,吃了吗? 乡下人非常感动,觉得城里人这么有礼貌,完全不象传说中的坏形象. 就回答,吃了.没想到城里人说,我没问你,我问这驴呢. 乡下人惊愕之余,回头骂驴, 你个死驴,你就从来没告诉过我你城里还有门亲戚. Rent A ApartmentA businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT" On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam, Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) It had never been occupied 2) That there was plenty of heat 3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady. Little Johnny Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a
result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size." Blonde one A blonde got a job with the Public Works Department. She
was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket." Pedro Martinez It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006! Teeth A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his Lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. "No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!" Little Tony 1Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you"!! The ReasonA 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also," the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here." Indian ChiefAn old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing. All night having sex. " Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." |
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